HAPPY HALF-NAKED THURSDAY EVERYONE!!!

CRUNCHY & SLIMEY, THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS!

TOMA-TA SAMMICH AND PUDDIN'.
CAN LUCH GET ANY BETTER THEN THIS...?

PROBABLY

I DEDICATE THIS LUNCH TO MY SISTER, WHO ALWAYS TOLD ME "JENNIFER, WHEN MOM GETS OLD, WE'RE PUTTING HER IN A HOME, CAUSE SHE'S NOT LIVING WITH ME!"

MMM... TASTES LIKE BOX-CAKE

I KNOW YOU WERE SITTING THERE TODAY THINKING, "GEE, I WONDER WHAT JENNIFER IS HAVING FOR LUNCH TODAY?"

WONDER NO MORE MY FRIENDS!

AN OVER-RIPE BANANA AND A CARMEL & CHOCOLATE PUDDING SNACK (PICTURE SHOWN PRE-MASHED)

KARMA

WHEN I WAS IN 6TH GRADE I WAS NOT POPULAR, WELL, I WAS NEVER POPULAR, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

ABOUT HALF WAY THROUGHT THE 6TH GRADE SCHOOL YEAR, A NEW GIRL WAS ADMITTED INTO OUR CLASS. SHE WAS A TALL WITH DARK HAIR AND WAS FOLLOWED BY A REPUTATION THAT MADE ALL THE BOYS LIKE HER.
SHE WAS ALSO A BULLY.
FOR SOME REASON DECIDED SHE WANTED ME AS HER FRIEND. LITTLE DID I KNOW I WAS ACTUALLY HER SIDE KICK/HENCHMAN.

WE'D HAND OUT AT SCHOOL, I SLEPT OVER HER HOUSE A COUPLE TIMES AND THEN I'D FOLLOW HER THROUGH HER NEIGHBORHOOD AS SHE MADE HER ROUNDS OF THREATS, INTIMIDATION AND TERRORISM.
IT WAS WEIRD BEING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF ALL THIS, I DIDN'T JOIN IN, I JUST WATCHED FROM THE SIDE AS SHE BADGERED AND PUT DOWN OTHER PEOPLE. THE WHOLE TIME I WAS WITH HER, I WAS SURE SHE WAS GOING TO TURN ON ME IF I DIDN'T GO ALONG. AT ONE POINT, I WAS SCARED TO NOT BE HER FRIEND.
EVENTUALLY, SHE CONVINCED ME TO PARTICIPATE IN THE MENTAL ABUSE OF A CLASSMATE.
SHE DECIDED THAT THE GIRL WHO SAT BEHIND ME IN ALL MY CLASSES WOULD BE A GOOD TARGET.
"RING-SIDE SEATS!" I REMEMBER HER TELLING ME.
BLIND TO THE FEELINGS OF OTHERS, I BECAME WHAT I HATED AND FEARED MOST.
THE PLAN WAS TO WRITE FAKE "SECRET ADMIRER" NOTES THAT WOULD BE TAPED INSIDE THE GIRL'S LOCKER THROUGH THE VENTS ON TOP. THE NOTES WOULD BUILD HER UP AND EVENTUALLY WE'D SET HER UP FOR AN EMBARRASSING MEETING WITH A POPULAR BOY IN THE STAIRWELL.

SO, OF COURSE, IT WAS ME WHO HAD TO WRITE THESE LETTERS AS MY MASTER DICTATED THE WORDS TO ME. I WROTE IN SLANTED CURSIVE TO CONCEAL MY IDENTITY AND PROCEEDED TO CARRY OUT THE DELIVERY AS WELL.

OVER THE COURSE OF A WEEK OR TWO, I PENNED SEVERAL NOTES. WE'D WAIT IN THE HALL AND WATCH AS SHE RECEIVED EACH LIE.

DURING THIS SECOND WEEK, MY "FRIEND" GOT BORED WITH THE GAME AND DECIDED TO DITCH ME. LEAVING ME RACKED WITH GUILT AND DRENCHED IN SHAME.
THE TARGET HAD BEEN A GIRL I WAS FRIENDLY WITH IN THE BEGINING OF THE YEAR. WE GOT ALONG AND WERE FRIENDS BEFORE THE PROMISE OF POPULARITY OVERCAME ME.
I DIDN'T SPEAK TO HER ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AND HOPED SHE WOULD NEVER KNOW THAT I WAS INVOLVED.
EVENTUALLY I BECAME THE INTROVERT I WAS BEFORE.
BUT WHILE SITTING IN STUDY HALL ONE DAY WITH MY HEAD ON THE DESK, SHE WALKED OVER ME AND SET DOWN EVERY ONE OF THE LETTERS. THEN IN A STEADY VOICE SHE SAID,"THANKS LOT". AND WALKED AWAY.

THIS IS THE MOST HURTFUL AND MEAN SPIRITED THING I HAD EVER DONE TO SOMEONE.

I'M SORRY.

SNACK TIME!!!!

BECAUSE YOU CARE.

3 TIMER

8:15 AM: AFTER SETTLING INTO MY DESK I RETRIEVED A CUP OF COFFEE FROM THE KITCHEN.

8:22 AM: A FOREMAN, LEAVING FOR DUNKIN DONUTS ASKED IF I WANTED ANYTHING, I INSTINCTIVLY REPLIED "COFFEE"

8:29 AM: A CO-WORKER PROCLAIMED THAT A FRESH POT OF COFFEE WAS BREWING, SO I DECIDED TO GET SOME BEFORE IT WAS ALL GONE, EVEN THOUGH I HADN'T FINISHED MY 1ST CUP YET.

8:30 AM: ACCEPTED MEDIUM COFFEE FROM FOREMAN.

8:31 AM:


I'M A COFFEE WHORE.

OK, LETS SEE...

- SENSE OF HUMOR?
CHECK!

- FINANCIALLY SECURE?
WELL, I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF... SO CHECK!

- SYMPATHETIC?
YUP, CHECK!

- BODY?
FOR MY AGE & LIFESTYLE? S'ALRIGHT.

- PERSONABLE?
IF YA GET TO KNOW ME, I'M OK... CHECK!

- OUTGOING?
SURE, I'LL TRY IT... CHECK!

- LOOKS?
AVERAGE...

SO, WHAT AM I MISSING?
DO I HAVE TO "MAKE" STUFF TO SHOW I'M CREATIVE?
DO I HAVE TO DRESS OUTLANDISHLY TO SHOW I'M AN INDIVIDUAL?
NOT ENOUGHT TATOOS, OR TOO MANY?

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG?!

DREAM

I WAS IN A HOUSE I DID NOT RECOGNIZE, BUT I KNEW THE LAYOUT…
THE DREAM TOOK PLACE IN FIRST PERSON VEIW
I WAS UNDER A MAN WHILE HE HAD SEX WITH ME BUT I DIDN’T FEEL ANYTHING AND I COULD NOT SEE HIS FACE. HIS SKIN WAS TINTED ORANGE, HE WAS MUSCULAR WITH A HAIRY CHEST.
I THEN FOUND MYSELF IN THE HALL LEADING TO THE STAIRS OF THE FRONT DOOR.
I WAS LEAVING.
THE MAN I WAS WITH HAD TOLD ME HE DIDN’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME. I KNEW THIS, BUT DIDN’T SEE/HEAR HIM SAY IT. I ALSO DIDN’T OBJECT, I JUST ACCEPTED IT.
THERE WAS A WHITE NARROW TABLE AGAINST THE WALL, SARA (MY HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND’S SISTER) WAS STANDING AT IT AND HOLDING A GRADUATION SIGNATURE DOG WITH NO AUTOGRAPHS ON IT.
I WALKED OFF THE FRONT PORCH AND THOUGH A PICKET GATE, SARA AND THE MAN WERE ON THE FRONT PORCH, I SAW THEM TURN THEIR BACKS TO FACE AWAY FROM THE STREET.
THERE WERE A LOT OF PEOPLE PUSHING AND SHOVING THEIR WAY DOWN THE BUSY SIDEWALK.
I GOT TO THE CORNER AND FELT A SUDDEN WEIGHT UPON MY ENTIRE BODY, AS IF I HAD BEEN SUBMERGED INTO THE WATER BEYOND WHAT A PERSON CAN HANDLE. I COLLAPSED ONTO THE PAVEMENT AND MY BODY CURLED INTO THE FEADLE POSITION.
THE PEOPLE CROWDED AROUND TO GUESS HOW I DIED, I HEARD ONE SAY SOMETHING ABOUT A HEART ATTACK AND SOMEONE ELSE LAUGHED ABOUT URINE?
MY SOUL WAS THEN TRANSFER INTO A 1934 WORLD SERIES POSTER (DARK BLUE WITH BLACK WRITING) AND WAS CARRIED OFF INTO THE SKY.
TIME PASTED AND MY SOUL SHIFTED TO SEVERAL OBECTS (NOT SURE EXACTLY WHAT) TILL I ENDED UP IN A DARK BLUE HEAVILY WOVEN TAPESTRY WITH REPETATIVE GOLD LETTERING (I COULD CLEARLY SEE THE WORDS: MEMORY, SISTER, MOTHER… I COULDN’T MAKE OUT THE REST).
I WAS DETERMINED TO GET BACK TO WHERE I STARTED, AND SOMEHOW DRIFTED ON THE WIND BACK TO THE HOUSE WITH THE PICKET FENCE.
A THUNDER STORM ROLLED IN AND I (AS A DRAPERY) HAD CAUGHT MYSELF ONTO THE SKYLIGHT OF THE HOUSE. INSIDE THEY WERE HAVING SOMEKIND OF PARTY/GET TOGETHER. SOMEONE PULLED ME IN (IT WAS THROUGHT THEIR EYES THAT I SAW WHAT I LOOKED LIKE). DRENCHED IN RAIN, THEY SEEMED TO HAVE TROUBLE HOLDING ONTO THE CLOTH AND DROPPED IT ON THE FLOOR.
I COULD SEE THAT TIME AND LIFE HAD GONE ON WITHOUT ME…

BLURRED PICTURES AND DETAILS I COULDN’T SEE CLEARLY.
I SCREAMED.
I SCREAMED SO LOUD I COULD FEEL THE PRESSURE IN MY EARS.
MY VOICE SOMEHOW CAME THOUGH ON A RADIO, BUT I SCREAMED SO LOUD I COULDN’T HEARD WHAT I WAS SAYING OR ANYTHING.
I WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE THEM TO GET A PICTURE OF ME SO I COULD TRANSFER MY SOUL INTO IT AND SOMEHOW MAYBE GET OUT. BUT ALL THEIR PICTURES DID NOT INCLUDE ME.

I WOKE UP SWEATING AND DECIDED I COULDN’T GO BACK TO SLEEP, I DIDN’T WANT TO FIND OUT HOW THIS ONE ENDED.

8 COLD BLOCKS

WHEN I WAS SOMEWHERE IN THE AGE OF 12, I HAD MY 1ST “BOYFRIEND”.

MY BEST FRIEND AND I WOULD SCRIBBLE ALL OVER MORSE PARK “I LOVE SO & SO”, AND IT WAS DURING THIS TIME THAT I DEVELOPED A SMALL CRUSH ON A KID NAMED SHAWN.

MY SISTER DECIDED TO GET INVOLVED (WHO WAS ABOUT 13 OR 14 THEN) AND SOMEHOW GOT HIM TO COME OVER TO THE HOUSE.

WE SAT ON THE FRONT PORCH IN AWKWARD SILENCE FOR A WHILE, WHILE MY BIG SISTER AND SOME NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS SHOUTED THINGS LIKE, “ARE YOU ASKIN’ HER OUT YET?” AND SANG THE “… KISSING IN A TREE” SONG.

NOW, AT THE TENDER AGE OF 12, I HAD NOT EVEN KISSED A BOY YET AND HAD NO CLUE WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO AS A GIRLFRIEND. PAM HAD TOLD ME ABOUT NECKING AND I’D SEEN “BASIC INSTINCT” AND “FRITZ THE CAT”, SO I WAS ALITTLE CONFUSED.

SO HE ASKED ME OUT AND TOLD ME TO COME OVER HIS HOUSE THE NEXT DAY, WHICH WAS A SATURDAY.

AT ABOUT NOON I WALKED THE FIVE BLOCKS TO HIS HOUSE. HE WAS IN THIS KIND OF FORT AND SAID I HAD TO WAIT OUTSIDE TILL HE WAS DONE.

I STOOD THER FOR ABOUT 15-20 MINUTES, NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO. I REMEMBER WEARING MY WINTER JACKET AND THINKING IT WAS PRETTY COLD.

EVENTUALLY HE CAME OUT AND SAID WE WERE WALKING OVER TO HIS FRIENDS HOUSE TO PICK HIM UP, WHICH WAS ANOTHER 3 BLOCKS AWAY FROM MY HOUSE.

WHEN WE GOT THERE, I WAITED AT THE SIDEWALK WHILE HE WALKED THROUGH THE GATE, UP THE PATH AND ONTO A PORCH, WHERE HIS FRIEND WAS WAITING. THEY WHISPERED TO EACH OTHER FOR A MINUTE AND THEN CAME TO THE SIDEWALK WHERE I WAS STANDING.

I ASKED WHAT WE WERE GOING TO DO, THAT’S WHEN THEY LOOKED AT EACH OTHER AND SMILED.

THEN THEY RAN.

THEY RAN AWAY FROM ME AS FAST AS THEY COULD, EVEN WHEN THEY WERE NO LONGER IN SIGHT, I COULD STILL HEAR THEM LAUGHING AND LAUGHING.

I STOOD THER FOR A MINUTE AND SAW HIS FRIENDS MOM STANDING IN THE DOORWAY, SHE SAW THE WHOLE THING.

AS I MADE EYE CONTACT, SHE CLOSED THE DOOR.

I WALKED THE 8 BLOCKS HOME, AND THAT WAS IT.

WHERE'D MY BUTT GO?

I HAVE TO DO MY LAUNDRY.

THIS MORING WHEN I WAS GETTING DRESSED FOR WORK, I REALIZED I HAD NO MORE SOCKS. I HAD WORN MY LAST "PAIR" SOME TIME LAST WEEK AND HAVE BEEN WEARING MIS-MATCHED .
SOCKS FOR A COUPLE DAYS NOW.
SO, THIS MORNING I LOOKED IN MY SOCK DRAW TO FIND NO MORE SOCKS. NOT EVEN ONE! AND I'M NOT ABOUT TO WEAR DIRTY SOCKS (EWWW). SO I DID THE NEXT BEST THING, PANTY HOSE!
I WAS KIND OF SURPRISED AT THE FACT THAT I EVEN HAD ANY (I GO BARE IN THE SUMMER).
ON THEY WENT AND TO WORK I DID GOCONTROL TOP PANTY HOSE CAN REALLY SLIM YOU DOWN AND FLATTEN YOU OUT, I FORGOT THIS TILL I USED THE BATHROOM AT WORK.
MY BEHIND WENT FROM "WHA-POW!" TO "WHOMP!". (AS SEE IN DIAGRAM BELOW)

THIS IS THE ONE THING I GOT GOING FOR ME, SHIT, EVEN MY FAMILY NICKNAME IS "BEANIE".
PEOPLE THAT KNOW ME ON A SOMEWHAT PERSONAL LEVEL KNOW THAT I'M BEST KNOWN FOR MY BUTT (AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO SAY SO).

PANTYHOSE, YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED.
I'M GOING TO TARGET AFTER WORK TO BUY MORE SOCKS...